Allstate’s Dean Winters in “The Deprogrammer”

IDEA:  I propose yet another variation of the hilarious “Mayhem like me” commercials in order to promote my candidacy for US president in 2012. Here’s a link to YouTube showing one of these original spots (“I’m a wild deer”), which was played repeatedly in Chicago’s Landmark Century Theater:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5OH_gUt4Oww&feature=related


I had written and posted a script for a political variation about one month ago at:

http://ind4prez2012.blogspot.com/2011/05/mayhem-like-me.html

Background

Dean Winters is featured in about a dozen TV commercial spots for Allstate Insurance. His recurring theme is, “Buy Allstate Insurance and you can be better protected from mayhem like me.”

My first takeoff (linked above) was: “I’m a politician.” This, my second such effort, opens with, “I’m a deprogrammer.”

Sketch for “I’m a deprogrammer”

Dean Winters is standing on a busy New York City sidewalk in the summer time at high noon. After briefly panning this scene, the camera zooms in on Dean standing with his back to a wall as he looks forlornly left and right. The passersby are totally ignoring him. Then the camera zooms in on his face as he says:

“I’m a deprogrammer. I’m so good at what I do, I’ve taken the Moon out of a bazillion brainwashed Moonies. I’ve taken the ‘Science’ out of scads of silly Scientologists. But recently, I was offered an impossible assignment: …”

We hear his client’s off-screen voice say: “Deprogram voters out of their deeply-ingrained habit of voting for Democrats and Republicans.”

“My client, head of a coalition of political independents, asked me…” [The client’s off-screen voice asks, “Can you do it?”]

Dean replies: “So I told him. The only way I could succeed is if you cloned* me – not just once*, or twice*, or even a hundred* times. Millions* of me would be needed. And each of us would have to zero in on one voter, throw him to the ground, put a knee in his chest, and, and…”

Regarding the preceding asterisks: After saying “once,” we see two images of Dean’s talking head. After saying “twice” and “hundred,” we see more images. After saying “Millions of me,” we see mini pix of his face filling an outline map of the United States. The din of his narrative becomes barely intelligible when his faces fill that map. Then all the voices suddenly stop and we see the original solitary image of Dean’s face as he says “and, and.” After a pause, during which it seems Dean is trying to figure out what to say next, his client asks, “And what?”

“And scream into his face about how he’s helping destroy this country by blindly supporting the Two Party System.

“And that would not be a pretty sight.”

Then the camera pulls back to reveal each of the people on that crowded sidewalk lying down with a black-suited Dean Winters clone screaming in his face, with a knee in the chest. Then the yelling abruptly stops and we see only the close-up of Dean’s face.

“So, I told my client what I’m about to tell you:

“Sometimes deprogramming is impractical. For those times, all we can do is hope an appeal to common sense can reach the addicted. No insurance policy can undo the mess our country is in. Only you can, if you can change one of your worst habits. I can’t protect you from mayhem like you. Only you can.”

Steven Searle for US President in 2012

Founder of The Independent Contractor’s Party

“There are a lot of way to lure voters away from their mindless march to the sea. A bit of slapstick dosed with a line or two of seriousness can do the trick. But…time is running out.”

Contact me at bpa_cinc@yahoo.com