Crispin Glover and GOP presidential wannabe Willard Mitt Romney (yes, Willard really is his first name) bear an uncanny physical resemblance. I hope to exploit that as part of my strategy to win the 2012 election. Yes, I am a candidate, and the founder of the Independent Contractors’ Party.
My strategy involves me making suggestions (even partially scripting) what might turn out to be YouTube videos produced by others, independent of my direct involvement. My offering today seeks to comedically target Willard Romney – yes, that is what I’ll call him from now on.
Just as many of his detractors delighted in calling our President by his full name – Barack Hussein Obama, I’m sure others will delight in calling WMR “Willard.” Turnabout's fair play. BTW “Willard” means “strong desire” – such as, having a strong desire not to be called “Willard.”
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There was once a movie called Willard, released in 1971. The poster advertises, “Where your nightmares end…WILLARD begins.” Of course, any good PR team could spin that to mean, “When Willard Romney begins his term as President, that will end the nightmare known as Obamanation.” Nice try but (um) that’s not what the poster meant, which is obvious just by looking at it. Still, I’d love to see Romney’s campaign adopt as its official slogan, “Where your nightmares end…”
The Wikipedia article on “Willard” (the movie) includes this line: “Willard is a meek social misfit with a strange affinity for rats.” That might explain Willard Romney’s strange affinity for the GOP, many of whom call him a RINO and don’t consider him really their kind of critter at all. Crispin Glover, who starred in the 2003 remake of “Willard,” would be perfectly cast as Willard Mitt Romney in any kind of comedic spoof.
A Saturday Night Live skit
The following isn’t meant to be a completely developed skit; just some ideas (especially the dialogue) I’m tossing out with the style of SNL in mind.
The scene opens with Crispin Glover as Willard Romney sitting alone at a round-table just before a televised GOP presidential debate is to begin. That is, he’s alone except for a debate moderator sitting across the table from him. A caption reads: “The next GOP debate, after Jon Huntsman drops out.”
Willard looks nervously around and finally asks the moderator: “Where is everybody?”
“Oh, they’ll be here shortly. They wanted to huddle privately before we go on the air” – moderator.
“Huddle?” – Willard.
“Did I say ‘huddle?’ I meant…er… ‘cuddle.’ You know, group hug.”
Camera cuts to the other candidates in an adjoining room, who are literally in a football-style huddle.
Perry speaks: “Okay, settle down. If you follow my lead and remember your parts, Mitt Romney will be toast*.”
Camera shows the huddlers filing in, smirking knowingly, and taking their seats at the round-table. After seeing this, Willard gets an “oh, oh” look on his face.
Perry asks Romney a question: “I’ve got a question for you, Willard… about the birthers.”
“Excuse, me, Governor Perry, my name is Mitt.”
“No it ain’t – that’s yer middle name. Besides, what’s ‘Mitt’ stand for anyway? ‘Mittens?’” [On cue, the other candidates throw mittens at Romney.]
“What?! ‘Mitt’ could stand for a lot of things – ah, it could be an acronym.”
“Lemme guess. Mitt, Mitt, M-I-T-T…Does that stand for ‘Mediocrity In Terrible Trouble?’”
“This is outrageous. [Turning toward the moderator.] You’re supposed to moderate this thing. What do you say?”
“Why don’t you go by your first name? Why Mitt Romney? Why not Willard Romney?” – Moderator.
“Well, er…”
“That’s what it says on your birth certificate – Willard is your first name. You got a problem with what’s on birth certificates?” – Moderator.
“I don’t like where this is going. Why don’t you all just line up and run me through your spanking machine?” – Romney.
“Now I understand why Governor Perry had a question for you about the birthers.” – Moderator.
“Are you questioning what’s on my birth certificate?” – Romney.
“Rumor has it, you ain’t a real American. You’re from Mormon Nation!” – Perry.
[The other candidates let out a collective gasp.]
“Mormon Nation? That’s just a figure of speech. Like Obamanation.”
“Are you now saying our president isn’t an abomination? Is this another famous Romney flip-flop?” [The candidates, again on cue, pelt Willard with flip-flops – these of the shower variety.]
“I’m not saying anything at all!” – Romney crosses his arms defiantly over his chest.
“This wouldn’t be the first time” – sneers Bachman.
“What you got against the name Willard, anyway? Are you trying to hide something?”
“No, I just…prefer Mitt.”
“Then why not legally change your name or do you think you’re above the law?”
“Can’t a guy just ask to be called by his middle name? I happen to like ‘Mitt.’”
[The candidates start chanting rhythmically, “Will-ard! Will-ard! Will-ard!”]
Camera zooms in on a corner of the room, where a rat pokes its head out and cocks its ears, hearing, “Will-ard! Will-ard!” Rat comes into the room followed by a horde of his peers. Willard Romney looks at them in horror, saying, “I told you not to follow me here!”
The other candidates see the rats and start murmuring to each other. Willard rethinks his position, looks at the rats and says, “Sic ‘em!” The candidates start overturning chairs and screaming, trying to escape.
Freeze frame showing a smiling, self-satisfied Willard Romney. The caption says, “Sometimes the eventual nominee wins by virtue of being the last man standing.”
Steven Searle for US President in 2012
Founder of the Independent Contractors’ Party
“Can a Mitt by another other name be as sweet?”
Contact me at bpa_cinc@yahoo.com
* Mitt Romney will be toast* …I can’t resist a bad pun here: The irony of “Crispin” playing the part of someone about to become “toast.”
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