"The Expendables: 3" and beyond

Sly Stallone is at it again. It's bad enough he did a number 1 and a number 2 on us (pissing and shitting on us, as it were, on his way to a couple of million extra bucks). But he's got a number 4 and 5 in the works, as well as a #3 currently showing. If #1 and #2 are pissing and shitting, I shudder to think what 3, 4 and 5 will end up standing for. Not to mention, an all-female force calling themselves the ExpendaBelles is in the works as a spinoff. I wish I was kidding.

It's not fair, though, to single out Sly as the sole villain here. He had plenty of willing accomplices - Schwarzenneger, Willis, Lundgren, Norris, Van Damme, to name a few of the actors. And us - that's right, those of us who love being abused so badly and paying ticket prices for the privilege.

My biggest objection? None of the good guys gets killed or even seriously wounded...well, there might have been one "death." But the overall impression the moviegoer walks away with is, "If we had more elite teams like this, we could kick ass the world over and not have to tolerate long, drawn-out wars like those in Afghanistan and Iraq." And this: "With sufficient training, our guys become bullet proof." There are people who think this way - people who need to be seriously coaxed into reality.

Toward that end, I'd like to see an anti-movie with this title: "The Expendables: In Bits and Pieces." Using the same big name actors, show them in a North Korean ambush getting arms and legs blown off but still living. The enemy then takes them to a hospital to recover and also to remove any uninjured arms and legs, leaving only torsos with heads still attached to be returned to the States to listen to speeches as they receive their medals.

Oh, one more thing. Kim Jong-un is wearing a special necklace as he invites the US President to "negotiate in good faith now that your eunuchs who tried to assassinate me have been neutralized." That "special necklace" bears the bronzed penises of all of the Expendables team members.

(sigh) I don't normally indulge in such horrible fantasies. But I can't help but wonder the same thing Sly Stallone must have wondered when he started his career - "I wonder how much of a market there could be for what I have to offer." To be sure, there's probably at least a niche market for just about anything. But as for appearing in mainstream US movie theaters - the owners would probably fear their businesses would be firebombed by right wingers not in the mood. Or at a minimum - they might worry that sales of popcorn etc at their concession stands might take a hit.

Then there's the practical issue: Could you get any of the original Expendables actors to end up as "bits and pieces?" Perhaps at least a few of them - if the paycheck was made attractive enough.

And then there's the worst possible response to such a "Bits and Pieces" movie: Our doctors rehab the limbless Expendables using bionic technology, even creating mechanical penises for them! And they return to North Korea and single-handedly destroy their entire military. And, yes, there are people who think such an outcome would be possible.

I suppose for every thesis, there's an antithesis. But when does it stop?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Steven Searle, Just another member of the

Virtual Samgha of the Lotus and

Former Candidate for USA President (in 2008 & 2012)

Contact me at bpa_cinc@yahoo.com