Presidential Humor

Here are some samples of my sense of humor. If I’m going to become your next President, you should have an idea of what makes me laugh. The first is a joke I thought up; the next two are true life stories.

Once Upon A Time…

Once upon a time in Dark Ages Europe, there were these two philosophers about to be burned at the stake. One is an old man who appears to be very serene; the other is his disciple, a rather nervous looking young man in his mid twenties. They are side by side, just a few feet apart, each tied to his own stake. The firewood is being piled up and a torch bearer is approaching to fire them up, as it were.

The young man says: “This is looking really bad. What are we going to do?”

The old man calmly says, “You have to take this – and all things, actually – philosophically.”

The young man considers that for a moment, then asks, “Isn’t that what got us here in the first place?”

Get the Lead Out

True story:

In my early 20’s, I worked as a warehouseman, basically filling supply and equipment orders for professional photographers. One of my coworkers was exceptionally lazy and we used to tease him about this. This exchange followed:

“I know why Jess is so slow. He’s a gold brick, so it’s hard to get the lead out.” – Dave.

Poor Dave, he mixed metaphors a lot, so I came up with:

“No, that’s not it. His ass is made out of pure uranium, that’s why it’s so hard to get the lead out.”

[Much] later, Dave came up to me and said, “Oh, I get it. Uranium gradually decays into lead, which isn’t always on the surface, so…” I stopped him and said, “Yeah, that’s it!” [Some things shouldn’t be over-explained!]

What about the other sleeve?

This happened in my early 20’s, but I’m still embarrassed to this day when I think about it.

I lived with three roommates who always had their friends over, so our apartment was always full of people. One fine spring morning, a few of us are hanging around the kitchen and Joe (an old friend) walks in. He’s wearing a lightweight shirt, which had once obviously been long-sleeved. I noticed that both sleeves had been crudely scissor-cut above the elbow, making it now a short-sleeved shirt. I also noticed Joe had a small bandage covering his left forearm.

I pointed at the bandage and asked, “What happened?”

“I was horsing around with Hillbilly and he jabbed me with his knife. Got blood all over my [left] sleeve.”

I thought about that for a moment (but not long enough, I’m afraid). Then I said, “Ah…I understand why you cut off one of your sleeves, but why did you cut off the other one?”

Joe just rolled his eyes and groaned; everyone else in the room busted out laughing. Oh well, we all say something stupid once in a while. And, in my defense, that was over 30 years ago (groan).

Steven Searle for U.S. President in 2012
Founder of the Independent Contractors’ Party

“Did you hear the joke about the media men who so badly wanted a Black to be president, they scarcely vetted him at all. No, wait. That’s not a joke – that’s a (still unfolding) tragedy.”