Nigger: The Movie

Introduction

I am Caucasian, but I will use the word nigger in this essay. If that bothers you, then don’t read on. If you are open-minded (read: liberal) enough to ask why I would actually use nigger as part of a movie title, then read on – please do.

“It might have been preferable if blacks would have come up with Nigger: The Movie. But they didn’t. I did. And I don’t apologize for that.” – Steven Searle, Candidate for U.S. President in 2012, The Independent Contractor’s Party.

The Movie

Why did I choose The Movie as part of this movie’s title? I want to push the so-called N-word into the thick of public debate. Designating this film as not only a movie – but The Movie – lends this project gravitas. Here are some precedents:

Batman: The Movie (1966)

Left Behind: The Movie (2000)

Superman: The Movie (1978)

Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983)

Zeitgeist: The Movie (2007)

Jackass: The Movie (2002) … though it is with considerable risk that anyone follow too closely behind the jackass, while trying to follow in those footsteps.

Complete Title:

Nigger: The Movie (it’s not what you think)

Brief Summary

In a galaxy far, far away is a planet much like earth, on which is a country much like the United States – which even has that same name. The majority is a race called the Reds – the minority being the Blues. As featured in Nigger: The Movie, members of both races are bold in their coloration. To “paint” a picture of what the Blues might look like, check this out: http://www.blueman.com/about

The story proceeds from the efforts of a Red man and a Blue woman teaming up to be elected as President and Vice President, respectively. They are encouraged in their quest by a mysterious, solitary monk they meet in the forbidding mountain ranges of the High Country. The White One, he is called, being as white as snow.

Opening Scene

At a small, intimate, indoor political rally, the Blue Woman candidate says:

QUOTE:

Before I say one more word, I want you to know what I mean when I say nigger. Spell it: n – i – g – g – e – r.

The N stands for noble.

The I stands for intelligent.

The G stands for godly.

The G stands for gifted.

The E stands for energetic.

The R stands for realist.

My name is Azul Zulu-Femme and I want to introduce you to the next President of the United States – my running mate, Rojo Homo, who is all of these things:

He is a noble, intelligent, godly, gifted, energetic, realist.

:UNQUOTE.

[Turns to him and asks]: “Mr. Homo, are you a nigger?”

[Answers boldly and deliberately, with a smile]: “Yes, I am.”

Of Reds and Blues

The Reds and Blues are different in only two major ways: their hair and their color. In producing this movie, I hope to use black and white actors, using computer-based techniques to render them as Reds and Blues.

Ironically, the dominant Reds have kinky/wiry hair which they prefer to keep short in honor of their military legacy. The Blues, on the other hands, have luxuriant locks which they prefer long and in elaborate styles.

In one scene, a well-to-do middle-aged (short-haired) Red couple passes by a down-and-out Blue Man lying down on the sidewalk caressing his locks. We hear: “Try not to look, dear. I know it’s disgusting to see him stroking himself, but his hair is all he’s got.”

The Almighty Nigger

Everybody has heard of “the Almighty Dollar.” As a result of an inspired campaign strategy, people all over the country have taken to crossing off the word “God” on their paper money and writing the word “Nigger” under it. This scene introduces the concept:

Setting: A conference room at campaign HQ

An aide is making a pitch, standing next to an easel which supports a giant mock up of a $100 bill. The two candidates and several senior strategists are listening patiently to this pitch:

QUOTE:

I propose a unique way to raise not only mountains of campaign cash, but also to raise consciousness. Look carefully at this $100 bill [gestures]. The word God has been lined out and, in purple ink just under it, the word Nigger has been penned in.

Why purple? That’s what you get when you mix the Red and the Blue races together, so it represents the integration we seek.

We choose the $100 bill because on it is pictured the most racist president in this country’s history: The “honorable” Rais Baytor. By having “In Nigger we Trust” on President Baytor’s denomination, we are basically saying: In yo face!

We can sell these $100 bills for $150 each, since buyers will know that either Mr. Homo or Miss Femme personally wrote the word Nigger on it.

[Azul interrupts]: “And exactly how would anybody know that?”

Each bill is permanently marked by the accounting firm of Okie, Dokey, and Associates with a one-of-a-kind authentication chip containing that bill’s serial number. You might say [ahem] that our bills have a pedigree.

To continue: We not only stand to raise some money but also make a statement:

Instead of referring to this as the Almighty Dollar, we can feel comfortable calling it the Almighty Nigger. Remember: As we spell it out, the first G in nigger, as used in this campaign, stands for godly.

And since this country was largely built by the sweat of Blue men and women over the centuries – thereby creating mountains of these Almighty Dollars – we are claiming our due by redesignating them as Almighty Niggers.

Again, to all Red Rais Baytors everywhere, in yo face!

:UNQUOTE.

As this conference continues, we learn that the word nigger and its acronymical meaning are copyrighted and trademarked. In closing we hear Azul Zulu-Femme ask:

“And you think this will work?”

In response, we find out not only does it “work,” but people all over the country take to marking up their own paper money in many denominations (many, that is, so as not to discriminate only in favor of $100 bills, which is to say, so as not to favor one denomination over any other).

The White One

Our heroes, Azul-Zulu and Rojo, are friends who are dedicated do-gooders, who’ve worked together on occasion in common cause. They travel on a pilgrimage to the High Country seeking The White One, feeling drawn to him for inexplicable reasons. We learn that Rojo has been contemplating a run for the presidency, of which Azul-Zulu wishes to support.

The White One is speaking privately to this Red man and Blue woman:

QUOTE:

You are both very special people and will go far, but I urge you to follow my suggestions very carefully. No…wait…a better word: guidance, not suggestions, but guidance.

You, Azul, will run as Rojo’s running mate, and will turn out to be an important asset to his campaign.

You will win the election, both of you. However, Rojo will be assassinated half-way through his term.

[Rojo complains that this will leave his work unfinished.]

My good Rojo, this is not about you. This is about her. The changes you both seek will not come to pass if you live. Though nothing is ever guaranteed in life, I can say this: Those changes you both hold dear to your hearts are far more within reach of Madam President Azul Homo than with Mr. President Rojo Homo.

[Rojo and Azul look at each other, then at the White One.]

Yes, by all means, you must get married. I know you want to.

:UNQUOTE.

Chess

We learn in this movie that when the Blues were brought over in slave ships to work in the cotton fields, they remained impoverished for generations. However, they came to embrace playing chess since it was cheap to do so, and provided endless hours of enjoyment to a certain core of devotees.

Some of them developed the ability to play without using a chessboard or pieces, by training their minds to envision several ongoing games at once. As they would pass each other during the course of a work day, they would state their moves: “15. Ne7.” Some of the more proficient players could keep several games going on with several different players throughout the work day. Azul is capable of keeping ten games in mind with as many opponents in any one day.

We see Azul at a reception take a drink from an elderly Blue waiter and she says, “Queen b4.” He pauses and smiles: “Didn’t expect that. I’ll get back to you.”

The End

Rojo is killed at the half-way point of his presidency. Azul, as VP, takes over but does not nominate a vice president, which leaves that office vacant. After a year in office, she is unable to secure passage of her package of reform legislation. So she makes a deal with the Speaker of the House.

During her State of the Union address, she asks the Speaker to join her at the podium and then she says (the Speaker at her side):

QUOTE:

My fellow Americans, I have agreed to step down as your president allowing the Speaker to assume this office. In exchange, I have been assured of his support of these reforms I have struggled for the past year to enact. Should he renege on this agreement, I will exercise my right under our Constitution to resume the presidency.

According to our Constitution: “Whenever the President transmits a written declaration that E* is unable to discharge the powers and duties of E’s* office, and until E* transmits a written declaration to the contrary, such powers and duties shall be discharged by the next in line for presidential succession.”

I do this for the sake of progress and also because of something my mother once told me.

[Flashback to when Azul was a young girl of 10, telling her mother, “I want to be big.” Mother responds warmly: “And so you shall be big someday. But remember: There are a lot of ways to be big.”

Tribute

I wish to pay tribute to two movies which inspired me to create these notes, which I hope will inspire someone out there to create Nigger: The Movie. I’m indebted to Godfrey Cambridge’s The Watermelon Man (1970) and CSA: The Confederate States of America (2004).

I offer this blog to you today, mostly to give you an idea of how my mind works. As for actually making any kind of movie out of this material, I will leave that to others – my approval not being necessary. To clarify: I hereby surrender all claim of copyright for any of this material, except that I retain the right to disseminate these notes in written form as I see fit.

Steven Searle, former candidate for US President (in 2008 and 2012)

Founder of The Independent Contractors’ Party

“Any resemblance of characters in this movie to persons living or dead is strictly coincidental.”

 * Oh…about that E stuff…In some of my writings, I refrain from using the personal pronouns he, he, his, hers, allowing E to substitute even as parts of words as follows: Congressman or Congresswoman becomes CongressE. Don’t know if this will ever catch on, but what the hey?