Romney and Crispin Glover

Crispin Glover and GOP presidential wannabe Willard Mitt Romney (yes, Willard really is his first name) bear an uncanny physical resemblance. I hope to exploit that as part of my strategy to win the 2012 election. Yes, I am a candidate, and the founder of the Independent Contractors’ Party.

My strategy involves me making suggestions (even partially scripting) what might turn out to be YouTube videos produced by others, independent of my direct involvement. My offering today seeks to comedically target Willard Romney – yes, that is what I’ll call him from now on.

Just as many of his detractors delighted in calling our President by his full name – Barack Hussein Obama, I’m sure others will delight in calling WMR “Willard.” Turnabout's fair play. BTW “Willard” means “strong desire” – such as, having a strong desire not to be called “Willard.”

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There was once a movie called Willard, released in 1971. The poster advertises, “Where your nightmares end…WILLARD begins.” Of course, any good PR team could spin that to mean, “When Willard Romney begins his term as President, that will end the nightmare known as Obamanation.” Nice try but (um) that’s not what the poster meant, which is obvious just by looking at it. Still, I’d love to see Romney’s campaign adopt as its official slogan, “Where your nightmares end…”

The Wikipedia article on “Willard” (the movie) includes this line: “Willard is a meek social misfit with a strange affinity for rats.” That might explain Willard Romney’s strange affinity for the GOP, many of whom call him a RINO and don’t consider him really their kind of critter at all. Crispin Glover, who starred in the 2003 remake of “Willard,” would be perfectly cast as Willard Mitt Romney in any kind of comedic spoof.

A Saturday Night Live skit

The following isn’t meant to be a completely developed skit; just some ideas (especially the dialogue) I’m tossing out with the style of SNL in mind.

The scene opens with Crispin Glover as Willard Romney sitting alone at a round-table just before a televised GOP presidential debate is to begin. That is, he’s alone except for a debate moderator sitting across the table from him. A caption reads: “The next GOP debate, after Jon Huntsman drops out.”

Willard looks nervously around and finally asks the moderator: “Where is everybody?”

“Oh, they’ll be here shortly. They wanted to huddle privately before we go on the air” – moderator.

“Huddle?” – Willard.

“Did I say ‘huddle?’ I meant…er… ‘cuddle.’ You know, group hug.”

Camera cuts to the other candidates in an adjoining room, who are literally in a football-style huddle.

Perry speaks: “Okay, settle down. If you follow my lead and remember your parts, Mitt Romney will be toast*.”

Camera shows the huddlers filing in, smirking knowingly, and taking their seats at the round-table. After seeing this, Willard gets an “oh, oh” look on his face.

Perry asks Romney a question: “I’ve got a question for you, Willard… about the birthers.”

“Excuse, me, Governor Perry, my name is Mitt.”

“No it ain’t – that’s yer middle name. Besides, what’s ‘Mitt’ stand for anyway? ‘Mittens?’” [On cue, the other candidates throw mittens at Romney.]

“What?! ‘Mitt’ could stand for a lot of things – ah, it could be an acronym.”

“Lemme guess. Mitt, Mitt, M-I-T-T…Does that stand for ‘Mediocrity In Terrible Trouble?’”

“This is outrageous. [Turning toward the moderator.] You’re supposed to moderate this thing. What do you say?”

“Why don’t you go by your first name? Why Mitt Romney? Why not Willard Romney?” – Moderator.

“Well, er…”

“That’s what it says on your birth certificate – Willard is your first name. You got a problem with what’s on birth certificates?” – Moderator.

“I don’t like where this is going. Why don’t you all just line up and run me through your spanking machine?” – Romney.

“Now I understand why Governor Perry had a question for you about the birthers.” – Moderator.

“Are you questioning what’s on my birth certificate?” – Romney.

“Rumor has it, you ain’t a real American. You’re from Mormon Nation!” – Perry.

[The other candidates let out a collective gasp.]

“Mormon Nation? That’s just a figure of speech. Like Obamanation.”

“Are you now saying our president isn’t an abomination? Is this another famous Romney flip-flop?” [The candidates, again on cue, pelt Willard with flip-flops – these of the shower variety.]

“I’m not saying anything at all!” – Romney crosses his arms defiantly over his chest.

“This wouldn’t be the first time” – sneers Bachman.

“What you got against the name Willard, anyway? Are you trying to hide something?”

“No, I just…prefer Mitt.”

“Then why not legally change your name or do you think you’re above the law?”

“Can’t a guy just ask to be called by his middle name? I happen to like ‘Mitt.’”

[The candidates start chanting rhythmically, “Will-ard! Will-ard! Will-ard!”]

Camera zooms in on a corner of the room, where a rat pokes its head out and cocks its ears, hearing, “Will-ard! Will-ard!” Rat comes into the room followed by a horde of his peers. Willard Romney looks at them in horror, saying, “I told you not to follow me here!”

The other candidates see the rats and start murmuring to each other. Willard rethinks his position, looks at the rats and says, “Sic ‘em!” The candidates start overturning chairs and screaming, trying to escape.

Freeze frame showing a smiling, self-satisfied Willard Romney. The caption says, “Sometimes the eventual nominee wins by virtue of being the last man standing.”

Steven Searle for US President in 2012

Founder of the Independent Contractors’ Party

“Can a Mitt by another other name be as sweet?”

Contact me at bpa_cinc@yahoo.com

      * Mitt Romney will be toast* …I can’t resist a bad pun here: The irony of “Crispin” playing the part of someone about to become “toast.”

Reggie Brown’s Obama impersonation

By now, most of you have heard about comedian Brown’s “debacle” at the Republican National Convention in Louisiana. If you haven’t seen more than a few of these precious moments, here’s the whole thing – lasting about 19 minutes:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hfIrag8eXI

Reggie was supposed to be there in a self-parody mode so the Pubber crowd could get a few yucks. And he did lampoon Obama but…he also got in a few licks at his potential opponents – Romney, Pawlenty, etc. That’s when…well, this is how I posted what followed on Yahoo:

QUOTE:

Organizers then cut off Brown's microphone and turned on music. I love this guy! Go Reggie!

I especially loved the little finesse he pulled as he was escorted off the stage. Just as he and his escorter are about to disappear behind a curtain, “Obama” pats him on the shoulder. Wow! Talk about staying in character after getting Ye Olde Vaudeville Hook.

A couple of truly amazing things happened here:

(1) The GOP didn’t screen Reggie’s routine before allowing him to take the stage (I thought they were terrified of loose cannons);

(2) Reggie knew exactly what he was doing with his borderline humor (nice tightrope walking, man);

(3) Someone actually made a decision and walked out on stage and yanked Reggie (a Republican making a spontaneous decision? What next - a demonstration of actual leadership?);

(4) the audience laughed at the Hawaii=Kenya slam at the Tea Partiers (sometimes it’s easier to laugh without taking time first to decide if it’s PC).

Steven Searle for US President in 2012

“I expect the offers from SNL to start pouring in for Reggie, like now!”

:UNQUOTE.

I really admire what Reggie Brown pulled off. He made fun of “himself,” while refusing to do a minstrel show for the white folks. He managed to roast some of his bosses’ people and got paid for his efforts. If he had only played according to the GOP’s expectations, he would have been totally overlooked by everyone who wasn’t actually there.

Reggie actually did the GOP a favor. Some of his audience laughed in spite of themselves, I’m sure. But then they might have come to realize – through Reggie’s humor – that their current crop of contenders leaves a lot to be desired. I can imagine them thinking, “Well, Pawlenty really could use a spinal transplant.” Ah, humor has a way of letting us consider, possibly for the first time, certain grains of truth. And that’s a good thing – we can build from there.

The lesson to be learned: If Reggie can successfully convince his audience, if only for fleeing moments, that he is the President, Obama’s field of opponents could do something equally drastic – they could convince us that they ought to be the President. It’s not too late for them to reinvent themselves. But to do so, they’ll have to work at least as hard as Reggie did.

A good friend of mine says she doesn’t like comedians. I not only love the good ones, but I cut the bad ones a lot of slack. It’s hard to make people laugh, so I have to respect anyone who tries. And I even applaud efforts that fall short…hey, we all need a little encouragement now and then.

Steven Searle for US President in 2012

Founder of The Independent Contractors’ Party

“I guess we’d better get in all the laughs we can for the future doesn’t really look all that bright. No matter who becomes our next President, he’ll still have to operate within the framework of our fatally flawed system. And that’s no laughing matter.”

Contact me at bpa_cinc@yahoo.com

Allstate’s Dean Winters in “The Deprogrammer”

IDEA:  I propose yet another variation of the hilarious “Mayhem like me” commercials in order to promote my candidacy for US president in 2012. Here’s a link to YouTube showing one of these original spots (“I’m a wild deer”), which was played repeatedly in Chicago’s Landmark Century Theater:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5OH_gUt4Oww&feature=related


I had written and posted a script for a political variation about one month ago at:

http://ind4prez2012.blogspot.com/2011/05/mayhem-like-me.html

Background

Dean Winters is featured in about a dozen TV commercial spots for Allstate Insurance. His recurring theme is, “Buy Allstate Insurance and you can be better protected from mayhem like me.”

My first takeoff (linked above) was: “I’m a politician.” This, my second such effort, opens with, “I’m a deprogrammer.”

Sketch for “I’m a deprogrammer”

Dean Winters is standing on a busy New York City sidewalk in the summer time at high noon. After briefly panning this scene, the camera zooms in on Dean standing with his back to a wall as he looks forlornly left and right. The passersby are totally ignoring him. Then the camera zooms in on his face as he says:

“I’m a deprogrammer. I’m so good at what I do, I’ve taken the Moon out of a bazillion brainwashed Moonies. I’ve taken the ‘Science’ out of scads of silly Scientologists. But recently, I was offered an impossible assignment: …”

We hear his client’s off-screen voice say: “Deprogram voters out of their deeply-ingrained habit of voting for Democrats and Republicans.”

“My client, head of a coalition of political independents, asked me…” [The client’s off-screen voice asks, “Can you do it?”]

Dean replies: “So I told him. The only way I could succeed is if you cloned* me – not just once*, or twice*, or even a hundred* times. Millions* of me would be needed. And each of us would have to zero in on one voter, throw him to the ground, put a knee in his chest, and, and…”

Regarding the preceding asterisks: After saying “once,” we see two images of Dean’s talking head. After saying “twice” and “hundred,” we see more images. After saying “Millions of me,” we see mini pix of his face filling an outline map of the United States. The din of his narrative becomes barely intelligible when his faces fill that map. Then all the voices suddenly stop and we see the original solitary image of Dean’s face as he says “and, and.” After a pause, during which it seems Dean is trying to figure out what to say next, his client asks, “And what?”

“And scream into his face about how he’s helping destroy this country by blindly supporting the Two Party System.

“And that would not be a pretty sight.”

Then the camera pulls back to reveal each of the people on that crowded sidewalk lying down with a black-suited Dean Winters clone screaming in his face, with a knee in the chest. Then the yelling abruptly stops and we see only the close-up of Dean’s face.

“So, I told my client what I’m about to tell you:

“Sometimes deprogramming is impractical. For those times, all we can do is hope an appeal to common sense can reach the addicted. No insurance policy can undo the mess our country is in. Only you can, if you can change one of your worst habits. I can’t protect you from mayhem like you. Only you can.”

Steven Searle for US President in 2012

Founder of The Independent Contractor’s Party

“There are a lot of way to lure voters away from their mindless march to the sea. A bit of slapstick dosed with a line or two of seriousness can do the trick. But…time is running out.”

Contact me at bpa_cinc@yahoo.com

Presidential Humor

Here are some samples of my sense of humor. If I’m going to become your next President, you should have an idea of what makes me laugh. The first is a joke I thought up; the next two are true life stories.

Once Upon A Time…

Once upon a time in Dark Ages Europe, there were these two philosophers about to be burned at the stake. One is an old man who appears to be very serene; the other is his disciple, a rather nervous looking young man in his mid twenties. They are side by side, just a few feet apart, each tied to his own stake. The firewood is being piled up and a torch bearer is approaching to fire them up, as it were.

The young man says: “This is looking really bad. What are we going to do?”

The old man calmly says, “You have to take this – and all things, actually – philosophically.”

The young man considers that for a moment, then asks, “Isn’t that what got us here in the first place?”

Get the Lead Out

True story:

In my early 20’s, I worked as a warehouseman, basically filling supply and equipment orders for professional photographers. One of my coworkers was exceptionally lazy and we used to tease him about this. This exchange followed:

“I know why Jess is so slow. He’s a gold brick, so it’s hard to get the lead out.” – Dave.

Poor Dave, he mixed metaphors a lot, so I came up with:

“No, that’s not it. His ass is made out of pure uranium, that’s why it’s so hard to get the lead out.”

[Much] later, Dave came up to me and said, “Oh, I get it. Uranium gradually decays into lead, which isn’t always on the surface, so…” I stopped him and said, “Yeah, that’s it!” [Some things shouldn’t be over-explained!]

What about the other sleeve?

This happened in my early 20’s, but I’m still embarrassed to this day when I think about it.

I lived with three roommates who always had their friends over, so our apartment was always full of people. One fine spring morning, a few of us are hanging around the kitchen and Joe (an old friend) walks in. He’s wearing a lightweight shirt, which had once obviously been long-sleeved. I noticed that both sleeves had been crudely scissor-cut above the elbow, making it now a short-sleeved shirt. I also noticed Joe had a small bandage covering his left forearm.

I pointed at the bandage and asked, “What happened?”

“I was horsing around with Hillbilly and he jabbed me with his knife. Got blood all over my [left] sleeve.”

I thought about that for a moment (but not long enough, I’m afraid). Then I said, “Ah…I understand why you cut off one of your sleeves, but why did you cut off the other one?”

Joe just rolled his eyes and groaned; everyone else in the room busted out laughing. Oh well, we all say something stupid once in a while. And, in my defense, that was over 30 years ago (groan).

Steven Searle for U.S. President in 2012
Founder of the Independent Contractors’ Party

“Did you hear the joke about the media men who so badly wanted a Black to be president, they scarcely vetted him at all. No, wait. That’s not a joke – that’s a (still unfolding) tragedy.”