QUOTE:
I quit drinking on July 17, 2010. What I hope will become remarkable about that? From that date on, I will drink no more – not ever again, for the rest of eternity.
My roommate got me to thinking about this, even though she’s a Christian and I’m a Buddhist. She asked, “If you’re trying to attain enlightenment, then how can you practice Buddhism while you continue to drink?”
Clarification
I am not an alcoholic. Though I enjoyed an "occasional" beer or glass of wine, I had gone through periods of time, weeks in length, during which didn't drink at all. And that had pretty much been my pattern for the last 12 years. And for the 20 or so years prior to that, I scarcely drank at all - and for a very good reason: I was a married father of one who simply had other priorities.
Since my separation and subsequent divorce, I didn't cook for myself - preferring instead to eat at local restaurants. About 3 or 4 times per week, during my evening meal, I would have a glass or two of beer (or, rarely, wine but never the hard stuff). Compared to a lot of people, I was a light-to-moderate drinker. And I never thought of this as a problem, although the expense of this routine bothered me. Ah, yes, the expense. Since I never drank the cheap stuff, I couldn't help but notice the expense, especially since I earned less than $40K per year.
I had a guilty conscience concerning this expense, so I slowly grew a resolution to stop drinking entirely - some day. And that "some day" was July 17, 2010. Part of my motivation was my campaign for the US presidency in 2012. I wanted to devote all of my mental energy toward this goal, so I thought "Now is as good a time to quit drinking as any." Not to mention: I saw drinking as contrary to my Buddhist practice - though (admittedly) I know a lot of Buddhists who drink.
Chronology since July 17, 2010
- July 17, 2010: This is the date I quit drinking;
- Oct. 26, 2010: This is the date I posted the essay linked above;
- Mid Sept, 2011: After successfully keeping my vow for over 13 months, I started drinking again;
- Mid July, 2012: A turning point in my health, noticed after eating a fateful meal (more on that in a bit);
- Mid Aug, 2012: I stopped drinking again, since I wasn't feeling well and I didn't feel much like eating.
- Late Sept, 2012: I went to an Emergency Room, leading directly to a 4-day stay in a hospital due to a diagnosis of terminal Stage IV liver cancer.
- Dec. 31, 2012: I haven't had a drink since mid August, when I renewed my vow never to drink again.
On the taking of a sacred vow
Buddhism teaches the power of taking (and keeping!) vows. The layman's organization I belonged to for over 15 years called that "making a determination." That group (Soka Gakkai of America) encouraged its members to make determinations, which could range from simple to profound (from "I will lose 20 pounds in 6 weeks" to "I determine to go back to school, earn a bachelor's degree, and someday become a brain surgeon"). Of course, many of us failed in our quests, after which we were encouraged: "If you fail in your determination, make another one."
The point being: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." But no matter what else is going on in your life, continue to develop your Buddhist practice.
In my case, was the taking of a vow to quit drinking "for the rest of eternity" too much for me to fulfill? Perhaps a better question: Why did I resume drinking after 13 months of abstinence? After 13 months, I was sitting in a restaurant ordering my evening meal when I just felt like having a beer and ordered one. At the time, I couldn't figure out why I did that, but now I have an idea: Maybe I figured that this, my second campaign for the US presidency, was as doomed to failure as was my first campaign back in 2006. Maybe I resigned myself to just going through the motions (which consisted entirely of posting essays to this blog), with no real hope of my campaign gaining any traction.
I wasn't depressed because of my campaign's failure; I just felt a calm sense of resignation as to the outcome. But I never lost hope that some of my writings would someday inspire people to work for the reforms I envision. For that reason, I continued (though I had broken my vow) to put forth my best efforts when writing my essays. I hoped that my muse didn't abandon me, and (looking back) I think it stayed with me.
But I was disappointed that I had broken my vow for two good reasons: I never liked going back on my word, and I had promised you (the readers of my blog posts) that I would quit drinking.
Karmic Retribution: A clue
Yellowed above are these words: Mid July 2012, more on that in a bit. At that time, I was at an outdoor cafe and ordered a burger and a "flight" of three different dark beers (6 ounces of each). I really loved these beers, thinking each was simply elegant. Though I didn't consider myself much of a drinker, I had become somewhat of a connoisseur of high-end beers. But that burger was a different story. It was delicious but ended up (or so I thought) making me go to the toilet 5 or 6 times that evening. I felt sick as a dog but thought that was because the burger was too rich for my blood.
From that point on, I suffered from an increasing listlessness and loss of appetite, leading to my visit to the Emergency Room in late September, 2012. I didn't have a regular doctor nor did I ever go for annual check-ups since I had always been in good health. So I didn't know how to navigate the system to use my health insurance benefits to seek help. I went to two different, randomly chosen doctors before my ER visit, but to no avail. They had no idea what was wrong with me, though (looking back) I think they should have either figured it out or sent me for the tests that eventually revealed that I had cancer.
It was in late September 2012 that the ER doctor told me my CAT scan revealed Stage IV liver cancer, giving me 5 to 8 months to live. I remember something else he said at the time, "I wish we'd caught this a year ago." That's when a light bulb went off in my head concerning karmic retribution, since it was about a year prior that I had violated my vow by resuming drinking.
The way I see it, my liver had 13 months without exposure to alcohol. But upon my resuming drinking, even though at a more modest level than before, my liver was probably shocked into decline. I don't know if that's really what happened but I feel like I deserve this kind of punishment for having violated my vow. But I remember what I had learned when a member of the Soka Gakkai, which is why I renewed my vow - and added yet another piece: To stop drinking coffee, which I considered harder to do than abstaining from alcohol. Maybe I added that as part of a larger wish for physical purification based on the Buddha's instruction to abstain from intoxicants of all types.
Who knows? If I beat this cancer, maybe I'll start working on becoming a vegetarian. This is something I'd like to do, since it always bothered me to eat meat. Sometimes I could taste the death in a bite of hamburger that I had failed to overwhelm with condiments. And I was inspired by a former roommate who is now a vegan. She won't even eat honey, since she considers the harvesting of honey to be a form of theft. I don't know if I'd go that far, but I was impressed with the thought.
My apology: A Summation
"I apologize to you, my readers, for having violated my vow to quit drinking. And I accept my karmic punishment for this violation. I hope this punishment doesn't end my life but if it does, I will try that much harder in my next life to keep my word."
Keeping one's word is important, which is why I'm disappointed that "Thou Shalt not Lie" isn't one of the Ten Commandments. To be fair, lying isn't condemned by Buddhists either but...I'm sure it should be.
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Steven Searle, Candidate for US President in 2008 and 2012
Founder of The Independent Contractors' Party
"I recently made another vow - to beat this cancer. I have everything to gain by keeping that one. Or if not 'everything,' at least this life."
