So it was much to my delight when I got a call from a well-known political strategist. Wishing to avoid revealing his real name, I’ll call him David Axelrod*. Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?
So anyway, David asks me to join him for a face-to-face at a local Starbucks. I hesitate – “This won’t cost me anything, will it?” He assured me this one-time consultation would be free.
Pressing the issue, I said, “I don’t have any way to pay you if you and I should agree to further consultations.”
He laughed and said, “Don’t worry about that. I have all the money I could ever want. At this point in my career, I would work for the sake of a good challenge – without any compensation. Not even to cover expenses.”
He pauses and adds, “You interest me…so what do you say?” Long story, short – I agreed to meet.
My meeting with David Axelrod
I arrive at my local Starbucks at the appointed time, and I spot David sitting way in the back. The place is deserted, except for the baristas at the counter. How strange. There are always at least a few customers at this time of day. And those baristas don’t look familiar, but I can’t say I’ve seen them all. Go figure.
David motions me over to his table on which sit two cups – his, a black coffee; the other, an iced tea. Taking a chance, I ask, “Is that for me? A Moroccan Mint with honey?” He nods. Wow, there aren’t many people on the planet who know my choice of beverage. This guy obviously has resources.
I sit, thank him for seeing me, and take a sip while waiting for him to get to it.
- Steve, I would like to be your campaign manager, but nobody can ever know of my involvement.
- But surely you must know I totally oppose everything you stand for.
- How do you know what I really stand for? Look, I know a lot of people in my line of work who work for people they can’t stand. For the sake of argument, though, go ahead and assume I embraced values in opposition to yours. I can have a change of heart, can’t I?
- Fair enough. How would you suggest I campaign for the presidency? [I look around. Nobody hears me. Still no customers, only baristas keeping a wary distance. Whoa, is that my imagination – the part about being wary?]
- Try this out as an operating principle: “If you vote for Searle, your dick will gain 2 inches.”
- What?! I can’t use that as a slogan. [Is this guy jerking my chain? Is there some hidden camera crew filming all this? I almost hope so, because (as the old saying goes), “There’s no such thing as bad publicity.”]
- I didn’t say “slogan”. I said “operating principle.” The difference? You can’t come right out and say “you’ll get a bigger dick,” although there is an indirect approach – I’ll get to that in a moment. But for now I’ll say, you have to find a way to sex up your approach to campaigning.
- You mean like, make it sexy.
- Absolutely. Look, you’ve got a lot of great ideas. I would even label some of them “vital.” But you’re overlooking a very fundamental principle: KISS.
- What’s KISS?
- KISS fits you perfectly – it stands for Keep It Simple, Steve. I’ve read your blog posts – every word you’ve written. My verdict? You’re overwhelming people. You're just another long-winded liberal manifesto writer.
- I know I’ve dumped an awful lot on the internet. But that was my attempt to recruit an initial core of supporters. You know, the kind with the creativity to appreciate what I’m offering. And the dedication to develop a unique series of campaign commercials. I’m trying to win artistically.
- How many hits has your blog had?
- Oh…less than 2,000 in eight months. [pause] Pretty measly, eh?
- And have any of those people actually contacted you?
- Not really…except for three who posted brief comments on particular posts.
- So you would say…what?
- My strategy doesn’t seem to be working. Although…
- [David cuts me off] Please…don’t say you’re hoping for some kind of quantum leap in interest.
- “Hoping?” Yes, precisely, I was hoping.
- So…you might be open to another approach? Even from a professional?
- Sure, why not? If I can’t have an open mind, I might as well close shop. So tell me more about this “gaining two inches of dick.” [It suddenly dawns on me.] Wait a minute: Two things: Where did you get the “two inches” from – why two, why not more or less? And what about female voters – they surely won’t want to gain two inches of clit?
- As to your first question: Market research dictates that we appeal with two inches of growth. Most men would think, “I’m probably not going to gain two whole inches, but some gain – maybe an inch – would be noticeable and appreciated.” As for the women, they will push their men to support you if they think their guys will turn into studs. In too many cases, they’ll think, “Any change would be an improvement.”
- Even “Change you can believe in?” [pause] Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
- People laugh now or else they act disgusted. But that slogan worked like a charm when it was needed. For 2012, Obama’s supporters will come up with something else.
- What about women who don’t have boyfriends?
- That’s where you come in. We’re going to have to increase your sex appeal. All those unconnected women will be thinking, “If he can add two inches of cock to any man who votes for him, I wonder what he’s got going…personally.”
- What do you suggest – that I put a roll of quarters in my front pant’s pocket?
- I’m thinking more like a roll of silver dollars.
- Aw come on!
- I’m joking. What we do is, go the other way – whenever you go out in public wear baggy pants and a loose-fitting sweater. Women will go nuts trying to figure out what you’re trying to hide. And of course it couldn’t hurt if you were seen in various hot spots with drop-dead gorgeous women.
- It couldn’t hurt?
- Oh, don’t worry – I’ve got a few ladies in mind. And they’ll be told exactly what to say if interviewed. In my business, you don’t have to have a large number of trustworthy agents. Just a few will do. Which makes it very easy to recruit them.
- Money?
- Not always. For some, if they think they’re working for some noble cause – like the good of the country – that would be good enough. For others, well…
- “Well” what?
- They would do it simply because I ask them to. For instance, certain CIA cold-blooded killers... [David’s voice trails off as he looks into space.]
- Let’s go back to something you said earlier.
- Let me guess: “You can’t come right out and say ‘you’ll get a bigger dick,’ although there is an indirect approach…”
- Right. What did you mean?
- You can’t come right out and say, “Vote for me and your dick will get bigger.” But I can.
- Excuse me?
- First thing we do is grow your blog. There are ways to increase the number of hits on your existing blog. And, by the way, don’t change anything about that – keep writing as you’ve done all along. There’s no reason you shouldn’t be getting at least 100,000 hits per month – especially with the means I have at my disposal. No offense, Steve, but you’re really pretty internet stupid.
- No offense taken. I just assumed it was part of my likeable innocence.
- Hmm…looks like I’ve got to “guilt you up” as well as make you sexier. But I digress. As I grow your blog, I can arrange to tape some YouTube spots showing you with household pets doing some amazing things. [Sees my expression and adds…] Not to you – that is, nothing sexual.
- That’s a relief. But I thought the days of getting a million hits of some guy surfing with his cat were over.
- Oh, no, not even. People are nuts about animals, and I can tape you with some pretty talented animals showing their stuff.
- Okay, sounds like I’d be gaining some name recognition. What next?
- Then, we hack your website, so X-rated pop-ups are triggered 30-seconds or so after anyone clicks on.
- And those pop-ups will give the hard-sell?
- Yes, well put…the “hard” sell, as it were…yes, “Voting for Searle will make your dick gain two inches.”
- [Closing my eyes] I can’t quite see the visuals for something like this.
- That’s because you’re a words-person. I’ve got staff staying up nights thinking of bombshell visuals for all occasions. And they won’t even have to show any flesh – well, not for the most part, and not right away.
- Okay, so then – if I’m lucky – a firestorm of controversy is ignited.
- Steve, “luck” has nothing to do with this. I’ll arrange for certain well-positioned talking heads to denounce you – and others to defend you. Hey, after all, this isn’t your fault – you were hacked.
- So even though this wouldn’t be my fault, I would gain from this somehow?
- Yes, notoriety – believe me, a message like that really sticks in the mind – and the message itself.
- You mean guys will actually think voting for me will make their dicks bigger?
- If you repeat a whopper often enough, enough people will think it just might be true. Besides, after a while, people will click on your site hoping to see the pop-ups. They’ll hope for some clue as to exactly how this might be true.
- How on earth could you convince people of such a truth?
- It won’t really take much – for people need hope or, as you put it earlier, “Change you can believe in.” If they hope such a “change” were even remotely possible, their imaginations will take care of the rest. Besides, I do have a follow-up with this.
- You pull the plug, right?
- Right. Mysteriously, overnight, the pop-ups will stop. And, by the way, I’ll make sure no one else can hack your site and make those pop-ups, or any others, reappear on your site. But after pulling the plug, that’s where we produce a YouTube clip where you “denounce” – but not really – such a ridiculous idea. Give it a shot – what should you say?
- [Trying to think.] Okay, maybe something like this: “Nothing that I am aware of can actually enlarge a penis. Besides, as every woman knows, it’s not what a guy’s got that tells the final tale. It’s how he uses what he’s got.”
- Good, so far. You’re working in the theme of maximizing our resources in this age of scarcity. Continue.
- [Warming up.] If you want better sex, help me to create that better America
- You could continue with: “Having good sex has a lot to do with being a good relaxed (that is, unthreatened, unoppressed) person. Instead of keeping a running tab of our enemies – like Nixon who had maintained his own Enemies List – we should choose to become (unlike Nixon, by the way) more confident, less sexually-inhibited people.”
- Therefore, even though your dick won’t grow bigger, the effect will be the same!
- Right, you gain by taking the high road but you’ll also gain from “hackers” having taken the low road – a lot of men will keep that image in mind of actually gaining the bigger dick. And if your campaign gains traction and election day draws nearer, you’ll see a lot of people walking down the street looking at crotches.
- Excuse me?
- You know, to see if there’s any noticeable difference. And that will turn out to be a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. If there’s enough crotch-watching going on, that’s bound to cause some “excitement” – if you know what I mean. And people will think, “Ah, ha! There must be some truth to this rumor.” Besides, that’s when the Golden Rule of Politics kicks in – “If you can get people to obsess about their sexuality, they won’t actually critically evaluate your doctrines.” As the bearer of such Good News, they will naturally trust you.
- Imagine that – a politician actually being trusted!
- Yes, sir. You can take full advantage of the fact there are a lot of limp dicks in this country.
- There are?
- Sure. Why do you think we get such a rise out of sending virile young men off to combat? The men left behind can identify with them, even while they loathe their own bloated bellies and failing health.
- Wow! You sure don’t think much of people, do you?
- No, I don’t. That’s why I’m a political consultant. I don’t end up getting deliriously drunk on the concept of human nobility. [pause] So what do you think about my proposal? Need some time to think about it?
- Not at all. I already made up my mind about halfway through your pitch. My answer is “No.” My entire philosophy is based on speaking to the Buddha which is latent within all people. I can’t pander to them.
- You know, then, that you’ll lose this election.
- Ha, even you know that I would lose anyway – even if I would embrace your strategy. So what would be in it for you, since you wouldn’t have ended up backing a winner?
- I could cause enough of a disturbance in the status quo of political campaigning to cause mainstream candidates to seek my services. You know, how to deal with this new wrinkle?
- But you don’t care about getting more money. You said so.
- Money, no. Influence, yes. That’s the real name of the game. But what’s in it for you, knowing you’ll lose in spite of your best efforts?
- I don’t “know” any such thing. I believe in remote possibilities becoming realities. Anyway, I’ve got to try.
- To gain influence or make an impression?
- Maybe not among the teeming millions, but sure – that’s my plan. [Pause.] Look, even if I inspire only one person, I will have succeeded.
- “Inspire?” In what way? What can only one person do?
- If I inspire that person to seek Enlightenment and he or she becomes a Buddha, such a person could save the world.
- Why don’t you yourself do exactly that?
- I’m working on it. Takes work, you know. Not tricks.
I rise and extend my hand. David Axelrod also rises, to shake mine. No more words are spoken, as I make my way out of that Starbucks. Hmm…funny…all the time we’ve been here, and not a single customer has walked in. Why do those baristas look at all busy?
I walk outside into the late night summer air, and I notice a man across the street who’s obviously pissed in his pants. “Too bad he couldn’t have used the bathroom here. Too bad.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* Disclaimer: It’s at this point, with a heavy heart, that I confess: I’ve never met with nor spoken to David Axelrod. This entire piece (above) is a piece of fiction. OMG, I hope nobody thought otherwise.
Steven Searle for US President in 2012
Founder of The Independent Contractors’ Party
“After the 2012 election, some people might look back at my writings and wistfully think of all the good things that might have been. Sometimes a good foundation for future growth can be built upon a pile of regrets.”
Contact me at bpa_cinc@yahoo.com
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